Noted at The Onion

Obama Compiles Shortlist Of Gay, Transsexual Abortion Doctors To Replace Scalia

 WASHINGTON—Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected
vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the
weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to
replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday.
“These are all exemplary candidates with strong homosexual values and
proven records of performing partial-birth abortions, but am I missing
anyone?” Obama reportedly asked himself while reviewing his list of
queer, gender-nonconforming, feminist Planned Parenthood employees, all
of whom were also said to be black immigrants. “I definitely have enough
post-op transsexuals on the list, but it is a little light on pre-op
candidates. And I should probably add a cop killer or two on here just
to round out my options.” Sources later confirmed that Obama was
attempting to rapidly narrow the list down to the single best nominee to
submit to the Senate in hopes of wrapping up confirmation hearings
before his choice had to leave to attend the Hajj pilgrimage.

 Of course, about 20% of Tea Party voters will believe this is all true.